Tig

Mah Lady and I watched the Tig Notaro documentary last night, and it was heartbreaking. I already knew much of Tig’s story listening to her podcast Professor Blastoff, but it was intense seeing it all together….C-dif, her mom dying, being diagnosed with cancer and having a double mastectomy, unsuccessfully trying to have a baby via surrogate. And through it all she’s navigated an amazing career and found an amazing person with whom to spend her life. At the end, she’s talking about how sad it is to experience all of this and be so optimistic about the future but not be able to share it with her mom. And it’s just compounded to me by the number of women in my life who have lost their moms…multiple friends at work, the very first patient I saw at my new practicum site, the girl I dated almost a year ago who disappeared as soon as she lost her mom, both of my parents (yesterday was actually the anniversary of my grandma’s passing), and no matter if they died young or old, it’s still hard. And I’m thinking how painful it must be to have to move forward without your mom and not be able to share milestones and celebrations and grandkids with her. Then I think about my life (I’m always a little narcissistic, right?), and how backwards it is that my mom is still alive but I feel the same way. Because I’m dating a woman and my parents disagree with it completely, I feel like I can’t share about my relationship and I can’t tell them we’re planning a wedding and I can’t talk to them about wanting kids. The closest we got to talking about anything was a few weeks ago, when I felt like they just dumped all over me but then acted like they would be okay with having my girlfriend to the house and if/when we have kids them being allowed. And I don’t expect them to be comfortable immediately, but if you saw them at dinner with my girlfriend a few days later…let’s just say it was the worst awkward meal I’ve ever been a part of. There was not enough wine in that restaurant to relax the table. People keep telling me it will get better and my parents will be more accepting, but right now it just sucks. I’m exhausted trying to just be myself, I’m anxious every time I talk to them on the phone, and I’m nowhere close to telling them about a wedding (but some family members know about this blog, so maybe they’ll just spill the beans for me. I’m beyond having a fuck to give and I need a space to vent.) Then I feel like I’m not being fair to my girlfriend because I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to hide her. I freaking love her and want the whole dang world to know it!

I’m amazing and my girlfriend is amazing, and I just wish that it wasn’t such a hangup for some people that we just happen to have the same parts while being in a loving, committed relationship. Because life is too short. Just ask anybody who’s lost their mom.

Oh hey there

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted on the blog, but I felt the need to pop back in bc my stats blew up the other day be of one visitor, so at least some stragglers are wandering by. The past 8 months I’ve been dating an amazing girl. She’s beautiful and funny, and we’re a really great team. She’s also super private and would hate for me to post our stories on there, which is a big reason I disappeared. And if I wasn’t posting stories about the person I was currently with, I’d be posting stories about past folks, and that felt disrespectful to mah lady. I’ve really missed writing on here, bc it was therapeutic. I got to take a break from being exhausted from everything I had to do…papers for school, clients, working at the restaurant, freaking out about money…and just make people laugh and maybe get to escape from their craziness to enjoy my craziness. I would like to start back up, but I’m going to have to figure out a new direction. But thanks to everybody who has popped by and read and commented bc I have super enjoyed it. Thanks, internet!

Coping Mechanisms

I will now be playing the self-destructive game of “How Many Randos Do I Need to Bang to Forget the Last Girl I Dated?”

Leave your bets in the comments, and the closest guess wins what’s left of my dignity.

Sushi

When your girlfriend texts “I wanna eat sushi off your naked body right now,” and you reply with pics of goldfish on your boobs and swimming into your panties.

Predator

That’s what I was called last night….a predator. Why? because I had the audacity to focus more on the cute bartender than some dude I’d just met. A few friends and I went out to a cute little bar (they have swings for bar stools!) that actually has legit cocktails and Cuban food and a fantastic industry night. By the end of the night it was just me and one other friend (we’ll call her Z), and some guy she’d met once before (we’ll call him Meathead) was there with two of his friends and he was trying (and failing miserably) to spit game. It mostly consisted of him buying me drinks and talking about how far Z is out of his league. I spent most of the evening agreeing with him that yes, she is way out of your league and reminding him to give Z her personal space (I feel like I’m constantly giving drunk guys at bars social skills lessons). The rest of the night I was trying (not well) to hit on our cute little side mulleted bartender, but I turn into a big ball of awkward when hitting on someone I perceive as more attractive than me. But I soldiered on. I did introduce myself to Meathead’s friends to be polite (we’ll call them Clockwork Orange and Big Black Dude). I small talked with CO for the socially acceptable amount of time then went back to focusing on Cute Bartender. A little time later BBD sat next to me and introduced himself. You know when you can just tell that a guy wants to hit on you? Like you can just tell from how he introduces himself that he’s already elevated you past the friend tree. I definitely got that vibe from BBD. But of course shortly after he introduced himself, I was distracted by Cute Bartender, and she got my undivided attention. He showed up a little while later and tried to spark up a conversation, and we talked a little about school and jobs and how he needed to take his friend Meathead home, but again, Cute Bartender came by and well, you can guess where my attention went. This annoyed BBD, and he commented that I was aggressively hitting on the bartender and being a “predator.” Honestly, if yall could have seen how bad my game was, predator would be the last term anyone would use. “Confused teenager” would have been more accurate. Z was chatting up Cute Bartender better than I was. So BBD decides he’s going to sit next to me again and tell me what a predator I’m being. I told him that I was trying (miserably) to flirt but in no way was being aggressive and asked if he would call a guy a predator for hitting on a bartender. He basically said it was okay for guys to act that like that because that’s just how guys are and I was being rude for not talking to him. Heaven forbid I focus on the beautiful woman in front of me than the rando guy I just met who wants my attention. Fortunately, the bar was closing at that point. Meathead was so drunk that he refused to leave, and CO and BBD had to talk him out for about 10 minutes. And the bartenders were nice enough to let us stay in the bar until all those douches were long gone.

I swear, the more I interact with the opposite sex, the less I want anything to do with them.